lovers and other strangers

almost two years.

almost two years since i last posted and almost two year years since i met a wonderful guy.

in fact, i was going to write about it, almost two years ago. i met him then.

he lives in san francisco, which is inconvenient. but it means when we're together it's so wonderful.

i love him more than i think i've loved anyone before. i love to lie with my head on his shoulder. i love that he takes me places that i've never heard about but realize i've always wanted to visit.

i miss him every day. which is new. i've usually been able to give or take my lovers, which would explain the lack of passion i usually display.

we're going to be together for new year's, two years after we first met. in san francisco, which is always lovely.

then in february we're on our way to india, cambodia (angkor wat), and thailand.

i have to come home without him, but i've booked business class for the trip home, which will be a treat.

i'll be glad to be home. but now i know it's not just a place.

a good man is hard to find and other stories

so had my date last night with long-time flame. we gave dating a try back in the fall but things fell apart...

in any case, i agreed to meet him again. but i decided to catch a flick first; so i threw on my new fave black and white dress & went down to 23rd street. i wanted to see notes on a scandal but was running late so i caught the departed instead.

it was good, but as it turned out i am an idiot because i somehow thought that 5.30 plus 2 and a half hours = 7 pm instead of 8 pm.

so i was an hour late. i went to the bar (right next door to the theater) but he was gone. i was going to run home & try and email him, when i ran into him on the street.

so we went down 23rd street and went to a place on 7th avenue.

i had forgotten how much he liked me. he looked at me and i had to look down blushing.

& as it turned out, i've missed him quite a bit.

we went around some of the things i had problems with before and he gave me better answers this time. and i don't doubt the sincerity of his feelings--we've been dancing around this for years and he has never wavered in his affection.

so we talked, and had some drinks, and i went home around 10. he kissed me on the corner of 8th avenue and then held me for a long time.

aw fuck, love turns out to be really crazy. even if you're not yet even in love.

there comes a time, i guess, to abandon your reservations and let yourself fall--how else will you ever know if you will get caught?

Sanctuary!

another saturday night cozy in my disaster area of an apartment. i am not the world's best housekeeper; i always forget the basic lesson that you must straighten up right away or the job will get so big that you won't want to do it at all. as a result, most places i live or work look like a bomb went off in a library.

in any case, i slept late to make up for all the sleep i didn't get this week. another rough one too; at least it looks like i'll have a lot of work to do (and bill) for at least another couple of months.

i only managed to leave the apartment to go to the gym. spent the rest of the day watching law and order: criminal intent off of the dvr, and bits and pieces of various football games.

meanwhile i've compiled quite a stack of books to keep me from reading the brothers karamazov, which distresses me. i'm going through the highlights of susan cooper's the dark is rising series, then i have a book on writer's block my shrink gave me, then nora ephron's i hate my neck, then who knows what else.

it's distressing because i used to read good books all the time. two summers ago i read anna karennina and loved it. my whole life--well, since i was fifteen--i've read big, important (& self-important) books and loved them. so why do i need to only read escapism now?

i've decided that i'm stressed and unhappy and that's why i can't summon up the strength to read hard things. so i need to remove some of this stress and as much of this unhappiness as possible.

easy. sure.

"date" tomorrow night as we give long-standing admirer a third chance. yeah, that will help relieve stress all right.

sweet-breathed zephyrus

seventy bloody degrees fahrenheit on epiphany saturday. in ten years, this will seem alarmingly normal, but for now it was a cause for celebration.

so despite the fact that it was nuts to do so, i threw on my new black and white dress and a denim jacket and headed up to the park.

which was full of people and kids and it looked like spring but felt like winter. because of the quality of the light, i guess.

then i went to see 'children of men' which is one of those movies that the more you think about it, the more you realize how much you like it. the premise is preposterous but the movie absolutely believes in it and so do you, after a while. and there's a scene about ten minutes before the end that had me on the edge of tears. softhearted soul that i am.

the curious incident of the dog in the night-time

i've been staying up late this week watching "law & order: criminal intent." i watched a few episodes back when it first came on the air but never made a commitment to it.

but i had nothing else to do on saturday (& besides i was hiding from the world, life, and myself in roughly that order), so i tuned into the marathon on USA.

i like vincent d'onofrio, have so for years, especially since his bravura turn in the famous "subway" episode of "homicide." it helps that his bobby goren is another lineal descendent of sherlock holmes; i spent december re-reading the collected holmes stories. apparently i have a weakness for taking brilliant but emotionally distant men to bed with me.

& now of course you get chris noth on "l&o:ci" playing his original l&o character. though i have to say he looked better in mr. big's armani...

as for my own mr. big, the banker i had a great if chaste first date a long while ago and has since been travelling the world, once again my friday plans with him washed out: he's in london for the weekend.

oh well. i have my big shaggy bobby goren. and it's going to be so warm tomorrow that i may have to run out and get a pedicure.

return of the native

why blog again? i wonder.

cause some who knew my other world liked what i wrote.

cause i want to write more.

cause it's a fun way to be coy.

cause i can play with CSS...

so: i'm back from the cold.

just an ordinary whatever i am. trying to become whatever it is i am.